I am honored to present a heart-felt post by @SuthernGeekette aka Amy. Follow her on Twitter and visit her at http://sutherngeekette.tumblr.com/
Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day was October 15th prompting me to write this about my own personal experiences.
I think about the children I've lost everyday. I've had two miscarriages. People who have never experienced it sometimes can't comprehend the pain you feel. It is the deepest heartbreak I've ever felt.
My first was over 13 years ago. It was my very first pregnancy. I was about 8 weeks along. I was at work. Without going into graphic detail, suffice it to say, my miscarriage started and I immediately went into denial. My co-workers had to convince me what was happening. I went to the hospital.
Hours later when the ER doctor finally checked me out, he got me in to see the ultrasound technician. She showed me on the screen where the baby had been. I began to cry and shake, coming to terms with what had happened.
She then said, "Wait, you hear that?" I said, "Hear what?" I couldn't hear over my own crying. I took a breath and calmed down. I heard a strange woosh-woosh sound. She smiled at me and said, "That is your OTHER baby's heartbeat." It was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard. In that one moment, I felt grief, love and joy all at the same time.
Seven months later my son was born. He was purple and they had to help him take his first breath but he was alive and healthy. It was a true blessing. And we just celebrated his 13th birthday last week.
The second child that I lost was a lot different. It happened almost nine years after the first. I had been very meticulous about going to the doctor. I had seen my baby on the ultrasound. Looked like a little bean on the screen. I heard that wonderful woosh-woosh sound. They said she had a strong heartbeat. They said she looked good. Everything was fine as far as they could tell. No, they didn't say the baby was a girl, but...I knew she was. I felt it. I was scheduled to come back at 12 weeks. By week 11, I was spotting. I got scared, fast. The doctors worked me in that same day. I went in to get the ultrasound and the technician wouldn't say anything except that she couldn't answer questions. That I would have to talk to my doctor.
Seemed like hours before I got through the rigamarole to finally see my doctor. He told me the baby had died at approximately 10 weeks. I started crying, uncontrollably. He was very patient. He calmed me down enough to talk to me. He explained that it hadn't been anything that I had done. Even though, for some reason, I felt I had. He further explained that sometimes babies just don't develop correctly and that it was probably a breakdown on a cellular level that caused the baby to die. He kept reiterating that it was nothing I had done and for me not to take the blame for something I had no control over. Because I have a bicornuate uterus, it would be too risky to my health to perform a DNC procedure to get the remains of my baby. I would have to let "nature take it's course".
Again, without going into graphic detail, I'll tell you this: that miscarriage took 3weeks to reach completion. Those were the worst 3 weeks of my life. I was motionless as much as possible. I was basically bedridden. My body was slow to finish the miscarriage and my heart broke constantly. Not a moment passed when I wasn't crying and mourning the child I had come to love. I had named her in my mind and in my heart.
She wasn't "just a pregnancy" as I've heard some callous people claim. She was my baby. My child. And I loved her. I still love her and mourn her every moment of every day. She was my Katherine and I miss her deeply.