How to Tweet

I am pretty much considered a Master Tweeter by everyone. My skillz are mad, I tweet unique, and I crush it day after day. It is for this reason I am going to offer up some tips and rules for how to approach Twitter and, perhaps, you can become as awesome as I am. Last night I gave out many of these rules while actually tweeting and they received mixed approval, and 4 Unfollows. But in order to make a good omelette, you must break eggs. Then whip those eggs with a dash of milk, then pour that in a hot pan and fill with cheeses, mushrooms, etc. My point is, omelettes are difficult and so am I. If you've stuck with me, you know I can be an ass. Therefore, if you STILL, RIGHT NOW, think I am seriously TELLING you how to Tweet, then I can't help you. While some of these tips are serious, they are the opinion of the management only and not the views of Twitter in general. Shall we begin?

Your Avatar: This is what everyone learns to see when you Tweet. We learn to recognize your presence by what your av depicts. Put a pic of you in your av. Don't include other people. This is Twitter, not a Family Album. Refrain from putting up artsy pics or animated pics or landscape pics. This is Twitter, not an art gallery. If you are a sports fan, logos are okay, during season and playoffs only. The majority of us are on Twitter to talk to one another, and a face is nice. And NO you are NOT too ugly/fat/weird to fulfill this request. Trust me.

Method: When replying to someone, it is preferable to click on reply rather than to try and type out the user's name. Many Tweets meant for me have gone to @InkPather. And that guy does NOT deserve your time. He's a tatoo artist and has a criminal past, avoid him. Feel free to get creative with HOW you insert someone's name. For instance:

@TwitGirl Hello, how are you today? (Standard usage and most popular)
Hey there @TwitGirl how are you? (Creative usage)
What's up with you @TwitGirl ? (Creative as well)
@TwitGirl Hi you! @ExGirlFriend (By including her at the end of the Tweet, you're just flirting in front of your ex)
@TwitGirl My ex is a douche. She is totally unlike you. She's a whore. @ExGirlFriend (Now WHY would you air this in public? That's just mean. Entertaining, sure, but mean.)

The inclusion of another person in your conversation is always welcome as well. The other night I was included in a conversation because I was added at the end of their Tweets. I do not know why they did this but it was very funny and far easier to follow because they did it. This is almost mandatory when you are talking to someone ABOUT someone else.

The Retweet: This is the place where one method should be employed. I have a preference however, if another were to be chosen and used by everyone I wouldn't mind. Now for this one, I must explain: I use TweetDeck, and I employ the option where I can modify the RT. For those on the web, I don't know that you have that option. And the reason I bring this up only refers to modifying/adding to Retweets.

Commenting before the RT seems counterintuitive, but works best, I think. Adding your comment after the RT can become confusing. For instance:

RT @TwitGirl @InkPather Hello to you you sexy inkman How are you? How are you doll? I am good! Did you hear about @ExGirlFriend?

Now, granted, the 2 people understand each other, but I am not sure where one ends and the other begins. Plus, they are STILL bagging on that poor girl.

RT @InkPather: RT @TwitGirl @InkPather @aplusk Hey you guys:::HI HOW ARE YOU>>No I didn't hear about @ExGirlFriend ~~~I am fine thanks!

Pandemonium. Just start over. Try it my way:

I am stabby. RT @TwitGirl: @InkPather Hi. How are you?

Then:

No. I mean a knife. RT @TwitGirl: @InkPather Ooh., U wanna "stab" me with ur u-know-what? RT @InkPather: @Twitgirl I am stabby. RT @TwitGirl: @InkPather Hi how are you?

Really, the only reason to RT is if you are responding to a tweet that occurred some time in the past, to remind the tweetee what you are talking about.

Direct Messages: You're on your own with this one. Do what you like. One caveat: Remember that if they receive email notification that you have DMed them, the recipient will see not your Tweet name, but the name you have entered in the profile info. If, like me, you like to be creative there, remember a first DM to that new person may be seen as "You have a new message from Carlos Spicyweiner". This may or may not be a good thing.

Tweeting In General: Another one where you're on your own. Some people hate Mondays. And Tuesdays. And their work, their life, the weather, what's on TV, the news, etc. Negative tweeting, longterm, isn't recommended. You get a reputation.

Tweet about your grievances, what you are eating, other tweeters, any random thought, the weather, your ex. Give us pictures to look at, links to your blog, links to your videos, links to stuff you like. Quote movies, song lyrics, poetry. Tell a story, pout, start a fight. Or do none of these and lurk. There aren't really any rules I can tell you about regarding this. We all use Twitter differently. We all have different tastes and ingredients to add, like omelettes. I like avocado and bacon in mine, you may like Gruyere and green onion. But we're all here to eat it. Well, except for the Vegans. And people who are allergic to eggs. Admittedly the analogy has broken down. Happy Tweeting.